Feb. 5th, 2011 05:55 am
sabrina22: (tat)
[personal profile] sabrina22
Even now, days after the experience, my hands are cold and shaking while writing this. But I can not sleep until this is done. I was up until 6am this morning avoiding this. But tonight, after spending time with my friends and chosen family, I have the strength & motivation to try and make more sense of this. This is more deeply personal to me than anything I've ever discussed here or elsewhere. I write here, and will leave this post unlocked, not because I am seeking approval or have any desire to expose something so intimate to the "public" eye, but because I feel it wise that I leave the opportunity open for the insight and experience of others. I am so far out of my element here that it physically hurts. I ask for your patience, because if you've read my writings, I usually just think out loud. In contrast, I have chosen my words very carefully here in order to most accurately reflect what is going on. Be aware that one of my greatest fears right now is that I will expose her, and stones will be thrown, driving her away forever. That statement will make more sense later should you continue to read.  What is under the cut is a head first plunge into what I feel is the beginning of my awakening to **my** spirituality. 

To give you some background, I was raised a mix of southern baptist and non denominational Christian. I have never really felt like I fit with either. Something has always felt off, and in some cases, felt absolutely wrong. I've lived much of my life, not just with religion, with the mentality of "fake it until you make it", hoping that eventually it would feel right. This has never been the case with any sort of religion or spirituality. I am pretty grounded with science and medicine. They generally make sense to me. I have long used the statement "Organized religion just doesn't work for me. They always seem to be driven by man made rules and greed." But internally, something has long been missing, and has left me feeling very incomplete. I used to think that it was because I had not found a relationship that lasted. Recent events have shown me that I was looking for something external, when what I needed was internal. My life is largely driven by external motivation and reward. That plays into the depression, because I need to be given or tasked with something that makes getting out of bed possible. I have long suspected that there might be another way, but continued trial and error has left me weary.

When it comes to religion and spirituality, I'm lost in the sauce with this one. There is so much out there, and I don't know enough to really even put my own beliefs into words. My last set of dog tags lists my religion as Agnostic.  However, I can no longer deny that there isn't something at work that I can't explain. In a most basic sense, things just don't always add up. I'm not sure what "it" is that's there, but it doesn't feel like anything I've seen or been taught before. If I absolutely had to put a label on it, I probably will end up leaning more towards pagan than anything else. The more I learn about what it means to be pagan, the more resonates with me. But I still have a lot to learn about many different religions/spirituality practices, so I can't say that will remain the same.  Overall, I've largely ignored this part of me, deciding to focus on the tangible, because to me it seemed like it was more under my control, and had more of an effect on my daily life. What I learned this week is that I truly don't know myself. And that feels like it will be the key to everything else making sense. 

Kink has brought me closer to who I am, but it is a smaller chunk than I thought. There was a time that I didn't understand what subspace was. Altered states of consciousness have rarely made sense to me. The only ones that I have understood are those that medically make sense. I've never done any illegal drugs, and though I know what an alcohol buzz is like, I can't maintain them for long enough to make the experience worth it. Cigarettes give me a bit of a buzz at times, but I renewed my commitment to myself tonight to not smoke again. Medications can sometimes make me loopy. None of this is what I would call an altered state of consciousness, although by definition those might be. What I went through Monday, and again on Wednesday, were without a doubt altered states of consciousness, each from the same vein. And totally not what I expected.

The Evil One has built a relationship with me that I never dreamed possible. More multifaceted and beautiful than the most perfect diamond. The growth I've done since beginning what I thought would be a simple play partner relationship continues to amaze me. I've mentioned how grateful I am to have him in my life before, have even mentioned how much growth I've done with his support and guidance. But Monday transcended the boundaries of my imagination and brought me to a place I can only describe as an awakening.  He is on his own path of connection with spirituality, and has done some amazing things recently himself. Monday night was overt proof to me that yes, he really is that good. 

Monday night is our normal date night. My place this week. I knew he had an abundance of energy as a result of some of his recent experiences, but I was unsure how it might affect our interaction this week. I was quite nervous, a simple fear of the unknown. But I trust him with my life, and although I may be apprehensive because of my own issues, I am also happy to follow his lead. Our play started out fairly light, but I quickly felt a shift in the energy. FWIW, I am just beginning to even acknowledge and speak of "energy". But I felt the shift. It shifted to him being more persistant that what he wanted from me was beyond the physical. Once I let go of the fear of the unknown, I was able to surrender not only to him physically, but I somehow opened the door for him internally. 

I had never really said "I identify" with wolves until recently. They have long been my favorite animal, but I couldn't exactly tell you why in a logical manner. We share similar behaviors at times, but really who can't say that about something. Eh. Doesn't mean much. I am mostly nocturnal, I am intensely loyal once you've connected with me beyond a basic level, etc. But I've now gone beyond identifying with wolves. And here's where it gets tricky. I can't really say I am a wolf. And talking about myself in the third person feels weird. But she and I are not the same, yet. So when I mention her/she, yes it's me talking about myself, but on a level I don't feel I've really earned the right to not separate. 

My heart is pounding to even begin to write this.....(deep breath).....

Sir called her out. And he did it his way. To know the Evil One is to know that he doesn't normally deal in subtleties. I'm quite thankful for that in fact, because I'm often quite dense. Well, she's in no way dense, but she is deeply hidden, and highly protected. But even still he called her out. And when simply calling her out only brought her to the edge of the shadows, he pushed me until she showed herself. And holy hell was that a fight, both with him and inside me. My brain was screaming at me to lock her away, and she & the Evil One together overpowered my logical brain. Quite the accomplishment. Her growl emerged, her teeth tasted flesh. And it took tears and talk and explanation later to determine that she wasn't trying to cause pain or suffering, they both knew that, but she was simply using it to express intensity, to convey her strength, to confirm her existence. I've not even acknowledged she existed until now. Why? Because she doesn't make sense, she's not tangible, I can't prove her existence. Because I'll be deemed psychologically unstable, etc. I've also thought that she was my "dark" side, and needed to be kept buried in the deepest of caves. Sir showed me that she is not in any way evil, in fact she's far more true to who I am than I am. She is wild, but not in the pejorative sense, she is by no means out of control. She is wild because of her innate integrity. Because I was with Sir, I stood in between, blocking her, and seemingly protecting him. It was only once she peacefully returned to her den that I was able to recognize her for what she truly is. 

Though brief, it was unmistakably an altered state of consciousness. And it opened more than a door, it took out a wall. Sir has long had the ability, and what I now believe is the given right, for me to drop my walls on my own, he doesn't have to destroy them. And that gave my counselor an opportunity to show my wolf to me in a totally different manner. My counselor is experienced with what she describes as "guided imagery to get to things that are standing in the way of health". I went to see her on Wednesday, and relayed the experience with Sir on Monday night. Her eyes lit up and she smiled, and reiterated that she'd told me she had planned on using her "hypnosis" technique that day anyway, and now she was confident it would be useful. She began by explaining that public safety professionals (she is one as well) are generally very visual people. This technique often works in combination with that natural tendency. She was able to help me expand on what began Monday night, although I can't tell you exactly how we got there.

I felt my wolf's presence on Monday, but on Wednesday I got to see her. But I went looking for her this time. I was wrong, I don't have deep dark caves within me. She is safely and comfortably in her den. Yes it's dark, but dense woods often are because of the thick canopy. I picked my way through the forest, following a path I couldn't see. A path that forced me to not try and use my judgement, but to use my intuition. (Another part of me that I'm only beginning to recognize, much less understand.) I sat down on the mossy edge and called to her softly. Not with words, but with sound. She belly crawled towards me, and I slowly lowered myself supine, as an obvious expression of submission and trust. I remained still other than my breathing as she silently climbed on top of me, resting her heavy head on my chest. I could feel her breath on my exposed neck, yet there was no fear. It was then that I began to truly see her. She is simply stunning. Her weight let me know she is big for a female. I gently tipped my head to meet her gaze, and the tears began when I looked into her eyes. It was then that I knew she and I were the same. Her eyes were mine, I recognized them. One, then the other, she let me run my hands over her, my fingers deep in her coat, feeling the dirt and branches fall away from my fingers. I felt the musculature under my hands, and moved my head to see that she is in fact a gray/timber wolf. Deep browns mixed with a little blonde and a little black.

My vision changed to not what was in front of me, but to what she was telling me. There is a stone pillar somewhere that she wants on top of. It's obviously man made, it's definitely not a natural formation.  I can't see what is up there but I know she wants up there. It's too tall and too smooth for either of us to climb alone. Before I could examine my surroundings, and that of the pillar more closely, I felt her weight shifting off of me. The tears fell faster and harder, my shoulders shaking, after I rose to follow her as she moved away and her posture made it clear I wasn't welcome. Just inside the shadows she curled up and met my gaze. I couldn't see her anymore but I felt the peace in knowing that we're on the same side. She isn't ready to walk the woods with me, but I know she has much to show me. 

A week ago I would have read something like this and would have been shaking my head, convinced the person was under the influence of hallucinogenics or was making things up off the top of their head. But true as I am sitting here, it is. Sir uses the expression "it is what it is". And that has never been more true to me than now. I believe I can be taught to approach her on my own, to find this altered state of consciousness that unites us. It is my hope to then unite us so we always walk together, so that we are one and the same.  

I write this because I could not have discovered her on my own. My pack has proven her existence, and my Sir and counselor have brought her to me. I have no illusion that this will be easy, or that there will not be pain or sacrifice. But I already feel hope and curiosity that leaves me wanting more. 

And now I'm tired, but more importantly I'm calm. Centered even. Sleep should be pretty easy.

Date: 2011-02-05 01:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Welcome to your spiritual awakening. Sounds like the wolf is your Spirit guide, power animal, deity, or inner self... Or all of the above. We should talk. Like face to face, in a quiet place. You have my number. Feel free to text any time.

Date: 2011-02-05 01:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You've got to explore this on your own, with support, but it's your own journey. Listen to people, but it's your journey. Their paths won't be yours. Take strength from the acceptance, but be careful about specific guidance.

I wish you joy in this.

Date: 2011-02-05 04:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
seconded - make this your experience. Matter of this kind are so personal that it is difficult to even have comparisons, in my opinion.

Date: 2011-02-05 02:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It's always good to find another piece of your self. The journey started long ago, I'm happy for the turn it has taken.

Date: 2011-02-05 05:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Beautifully conveyed. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Date: 2011-02-05 05:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
A lot of what you have said here resonates with myself and my path. I'd love to get together and talk more.

*warm hugs*

Welcome home.

Date: 2011-02-05 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I concur with Margoeve - I would name her totem.

I know it was quite intense for me when my totems first revealed themselves. I wasn't in a place at the time to fully embrace them, but they were there none the less. Nowadays, I know their presence, and feel their influence.

I am glad you and your wolf have found each other, and hope that you have joy, intensity, and knowledge while walking your path.

Date: 2011-02-06 11:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*smiles* so beautiful! Thank you for sharing!

I'm in agreement with grail as well. :)

Beautiful post.

Date: 2011-02-07 05:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I just call mine Ursa. She mostly hibernates but she's always around. I find mediation helpful.

Date: 2011-08-05 08:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you for sharing this. I would love to discuss it with you some time (have we talked about dream journeying before?)

thank you

Date: 2012-03-08 05:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I would also like to thank you for sharing this.

Add as friend?

Date: 2012-03-08 05:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I would like to add you as a friend if that's ok with you. Arashinomui kind of knows me but it's been a while since I've been on LJ.

Date: 2012-10-10 05:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Clearly, I am rather late to the party. I have friended you if you care to in return. I have had similar visions without resort to assistance. I think it is a capability of our brains which we are taught to ignore.
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