sabrina22: (Me and Apollo)
[personal profile] sabrina22
So... I'm back. I feel so disconnected and lonely here.

Alabama sucks. I don't fit in at all. I can't find a job to save my life. I've put in something like 40 applications, I've been to 3 interviews. Nothing. I even went so far as to get a letter (as requested) to one job, stating that I could "work alone/independently" because I guess they felt that I could be a liability because I need Apollo? They totally lied to me. I dropped off the letter and she was like "I can't do your second interview today though". That naturally implies there will be one right? Yeah no. A week and a half later I called for follow up and was curtly told "All positions have been filled." Well fuck you too then. Southern hospitality my ass. If you're a disabled vet with a service dog? You might as well have a big sign on you that says "I'm crazy and a liability, don't hire me!". So that means no work acquaintances to talk to. Look, people take work for granted when it comes to social interaction. It's still interaction with people. Even if you're not fond of them, even if you only see them at work, it's conversation and interaction. Which I don't get.

Then there's school. Mine is online. We interact very minimally. Discussion boards, group work. Mandatory communication only. No one interacts outside of that. I've tried to make connections with others through text message and email that I've done group work and such with, but they all have regular lives. Jobs, kids, etc. They don't have the time or inclination, and I can't hold that against them. So those that are in school in person have much more interaction that way.

So that leaves interaction with people here in Alabama. What a joke. I'm not your typical military wife. For one I'm prior service. Robert is a field grade officer. This means that we are on par with Majors and above. Higher level officers. Most of the wives are stay at home Moms. Most sell things like lularoe, pampered chef, etc. Most are highly religious. Sensing a trend here? I'm a total black sheep. They're drama. They talk about each other behind their backs, criticize how each other are raising kids, and just smile at each other and what not in person. Our block has these "wheelbarrow parties" where someone gets a wheelbarrow dumped in their front yard and once a month they bring drinks in ice to the park in the middle and everyone lets their kids run around screaming until dark. Yeah no thanks. We even tried the Team Red White and Blue club here, which was fantastic in the DC area. What do they do here? For one, there's a sub group of highly irresponsible swingers, which oh jez on a military post is a horrible idea, and for two isn't us. Plus, talk about not understanding me having Apollo. It's full of elite athletes and that's it. I tried really hard to reach out and help them incorporate the community more, etc. Stone wall. Triathalon training, krav maga, competitive volleyball. Gave up. So... strike three.

So I end up cooped up in the house all day almost everyday unless I get to play patient at the clinic somewhere. Not to mention I've battled my back and my PTS over and over. I'm about to lose my shit. We go to the military ball and there's all these wives talking to each other and having a good time...then there's me. Sitting at the table alone while my husband gets up and goes to say hello and talk to everyone he knows, while I awkwardly sit and finally give up and start screwing around on my phone. So much fun. I do have one friend, who is kid-less and loves her dogs as much as we love ours, but we rarely get to get together, and she's working and dealing with a medical issue of her own.

People keep saying "Oh why would you want to hang out with people that aren't like you?" and "Those people are drama! It's not worth it!" etc etc. Well...when you've got nothing, zero, something is better than nothing! I've tried really hard even with our neighbors. Trying to interact with them over dog training that they were doing, she had a hard day and I offered wine and bubble bath (yeah it sounds creepy now but I was trying...), etc. I'm trying too hard and I know it. But damn it. After being in DC and having to pick and choose between events every weekend, stressing out about not seeing people because there were too many things to do, two years of this solitude is literally tearing me apart.

And I'm watching people's lives go by on social media. And I just wanna curl up in a hole and cry. I miss everyone so much. I've got people going "come visit!" "when are you going to visit!!" People I'm not made of money. I don't have a job, Robert is doing the financial support, paying for damn near everything. My disability covers groceries, my truck, and little things here and there like my travel for school and my debt, kinda. Travelling back to DC is expensive as hell. I used to be able to couch surf no problem. But Apollo needs quiet down time when we travel. He's on edge in alert mode (not protection trained, just lets me know stuff is going on) when we stay in foreign homes. Hotels are pretty much a necessity to give him down time. So it's horribly expensive. No one comes here and I kinda don't blame them. But inevitably I've lost touch with everyone, as it takes a lot of effort and I'm only going to reach out so many times before I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I'm begging for people to keep in touch anymore, and it feeds my guilt monster. I dunno. Maybe I expect too much. It's just hard because so many that I thought meant so much seem to now make so little effort. And surprisingly some that I didn't think cared all that much have truly stepped up and shown me that they really do, and made a ton of effort to remind me they do. I miss touch. I miss hugs and shared dinners and get togethers.

I guess there's kinda light at the end of the tunnel. Robert took the Apache transition, which means we will hopefully get out of here in about a year, about the same time I should be heading to Philadelphia to walk for my Masters. I graduate in December, they just only do one commencement a year. We're hoping for Ft Bragg in NC. I could make trips more easily. And it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask people to come to me. Trying not to think about the reality that he'll get deployed. I won't start the countdown until it's confirmed. Hell knowing the Army we'll get Washington state.

Ok, enough of me bitching. I just needed to get out the lonely post in something more than a facebook status. Such is the life of a military spouse. Which I totally understand what I signed up for. I know it. It just doesn't stop it from hurting. It's no one's fault, there's just some moments where the loneliness is especially crushing. Gotta ask the hubba for some extra cuddles and maybe take some drugs to numb this a bit. I'm sick of crying.
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